I’ve been lost for some time. Not quite sure where I’m going, but I know where I’ve been. I’ve been writing, I’ve been working, and I’ve been trying to find my way. Sometimes I just want the universe to answer me when I scream out, “Where do I go from here?!”
Unfortunately there has been no clear response. Does it ever seem like the universe is playing a cosmic joke on you? I’m not trying to say my life is a punchline that some deity is waiting to tell. I am saying that I think google is fucking with me, though. Ever since gmail updated it’s look, I’ve been getting very weird targeted advertisements. They used to say stuff about yoga, horse back riding, graphic design, and other things they found out I’m interested in by SPYING ON ME AND READING MY EMAIL. (THAT’S RIGHT GOOGLE, THE JIG IS UP. I’M ON TO YOU).
So apparently they’ve figured out that I know they’re spying on me and have become very passive aggressive about the whole advertising in my email thing. So instead of targeted email ads, I’ve gotten a series of recipes for spam. No I’m not kidding, I have the screenshots to prove it. Am I the only one this is happening to???
Anyway, I digress. My point is, sometimes you want targeted advertising, as in God dropping from the sky into one of your dreams and be all like, “oh sorry I haven’t returned your call, anyway, here’s a list of what to do if you want to end up financially secure and loved, ok later!” But what do you get? Spam.
At one of my lowest points, I actually typed into the google search box: ‘what should I do with my life?’ To my surprise, the end of the phrase auto-filled. Someone else has asked google the same thing — go figure. And then I realized that there was a book called “What Should I do with My Life” by Po Bronson. I ordered it right away, and was much relaxed after reading the wandering, meandering, often directionless tales of other people out there who have all been at their whits end trying to figure it all out. It was comforting to read that in all the people Mr. Bronson interviewed for the book, only two actually heard the voice of God tell them what the heck they should do. A few months after reading it, I made friends with someone I like to call ‘Richmond.’ She said she too had read the book, and I knew I found another lost soul on a dark path.
I had a really charming experience the other night. I was cleaning out the shelf of my closet, which I hadn’t looked at since the last time I lived in this house, over ten years ago. A mysterious letter sat balanced precariously on the edge of the shelf, and I pulled it down to read it. It was a letter from a lifelong friend, someone I consider a big sister on a spiritual level. She was writing to me ten years ago, when I was on the verge of going to college. I read through the letter, wishing I had read it every year since she gave it to me, knowing I could have used some of the advice I’d forgotten.
The best piece of advice she gave me was, “I believe God has a purpose for your suffering, and I believe that you will be thankful when you know what that purpose is.” It’s advice I’ve heard elsewhere, but for some reason, reading the words written down by someone I look up to and who I know cares about me, even though she was writing it to a ten-year-younger me, brought a tear to my eye. Sometimes all it takes is for someone who loves you to say, I see your struggling. I know you’re not ok. I have faith you’re going to make it through. And when you do, you’re going to be even more awesome than you already are.